How to “Hate” Your Father and Mother

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple…” Luke 14:26.

One thing that drives me crazy about Christians as much as any other is this phrase, “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean…” When confronted with a statement like the one above, we are so immediately agitated by the notion it appears to contain that we must explain it away. The problem is that we never get back to what it might actually mean. Don’t assume anything, but sit with the phrase for a moment and contemplate what the actual challenge is here.

There are many readily available explanations that are reasonable, accurate and useful, but I want to suggest two things that I hope will be transformative. First, it may be connect with (and perhaps alter our view of) the greatest commandment. Second, what is hate?

“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” Mark 12:30. That’s the greatest, and I would argue, only commandment (but more on that later).

I want to connect these two verses by asking this question, “if you love God with your whole heart, mind soul, and strength, what else can you love?” Is there room for your family, your dog, your house, your car? There might be a little sarcasm in here, but I want to emphasize the point that perhaps we are not talking God at his Word. If you love Me completely, there should be no room for anything else. Don’t love anything else.

If you love your family, or anyone in your family, then they must of necessity compete with God. You must let go of anyone else and love only Him. That, in a nutshell is what He is saying. Take your family, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer them there as a burnt offering. (That’s a personalized version of Genesis 22:2.)

There will be no competing loyalties. This goes beyond those times when families members are pulling you in other directions. It’s not only when you must choose between the two. It is always. A man cannot serve two masters. You can’t serve God and your family. You must let go.

Now, before you move out, kick your kids out, or file divorce papers. Let’s move on to why I think there is only one commandment, even though Jesus says, “And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). It seems a simple phrase to say that this second commandment is like the first, but how is it like the first? I believe that the two are necessarily connected. You can‘t have one without the other.

I am arguing that you can’t love God without loving your neighbor. To put it another way, if you love God, you will love your neighbor. You love your neighbor because you love God. The simplest explanation I can give is that when you love someone, you care about what they care about, often just because they care about it. God loves your neighbor, so you will love your neighbor. The same thing applies, obviously, to your family. Or did you think I was suggesting that you should forget your family and care more about the guy next door?

How does this connect with the Luke 14:26? Well, how else can you demonstrate your love for God? What can you give the God who has everything? I suppose you can worship, you can do devotionals, but is your quiet time really the only, or even best way to give to God? Paul says that presenting ourselves as living sacrifices is our spiritual worship (Romans 12:1). We worship (demonstrate our love) by sacrificing our lives, but you do that by living for others. Your love for others IS an act of worship.

In other words, you cannot love your family, your neighbor, or anything in a way that competes with God. You cannot juggle your commitments, or schedule whom you will serve. Your Love is for Him and your love (small “L”) for others is actually allowing Him to love them through you. All of your actions toward others are Him working in their lives through you. If you really care about them, you will realize that is the best thing for them.

This is how we become the “parts” of his “body.” We become His hand that reaches out to those in need. We become his mouth that brings healing words. We become his feet that run to the rescue.

It is important to note how this affects your decision making. There is a difference between they way you will handle a loved one who is the most important thing in your life and someone you have been entrusted to care for. Your vision for your loved one is what YOU think is best for them. You cannot help but insert yourself into the process and you become entangled in their lives. Your entanglement then skews your decision making process. You lack objectivity.

However, if you have given them into the hands of the One who knows what is best for them, you will defer to Him. You will trust Him more to protect and bless them. If your consider this for a moment, you will start to see other differences that I believe will ultimately benefit those you love.

I would like to leave it there, but what about this word, “hate?” This is yet another example of the need to transform our minds. What if biblical “hate” isn’t what you think it is?

The danger in reading the Bible in our old minds is that we interpret it in light of what we already “know,” despite Proverb 3:5 that tells us to not lean on our own understanding. Why would Paul tell you to transform your mind, if there wasn’t something wrong with your thinking?

So here, we have the word, “hate,” and we assume that He means to be angry, to shun, ostracize, be mean to, or who knows what else your mind conjures up with that word. What DO you do when you hate something?

What does God do when He “hates” something? Consider this, “These six things the Lord hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren” (Proverbs 6:16-19).

And what did God do to those people? He died for them. I could go on with other examples from the Bible of God’s longsuffering, and desire for our redemption, but the bottom line is this is how God “hates.”

Go ahead, hate your family, but hate them in the way that puts their redemption first and foremost. That’s what God would do.